i need an iv and a liver transplant
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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