I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
she smelled like a LAN party
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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