i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
