How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
