I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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