you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
