Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
