I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I deserve this hangover.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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