Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Randomize
