these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I just found a bag of teeth...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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