I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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