I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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