when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
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