either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
