u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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