On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i barfeds in our rink
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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