You can't motorboat a personality
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
