who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
