6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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