The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
