Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
