The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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