I think I died a long time ago.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
All the doctor said was why
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
