Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize