You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
