I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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