I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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