Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
