I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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