I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
