My cat gives me a boner
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize