can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
