So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
