Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
