I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
my liver is dry heaving
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize