My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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