Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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