I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
