I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
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