Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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