cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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