If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
This toilet bowl is my home.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
