Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
