how can u be prego again
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
