gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
