her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
