yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
