My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Randomize
