he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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