the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
How many fucks given?
0.12846
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
