you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
i think my cat just said my name.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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