She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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