I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
