All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize