I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Houston, we have a blender
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
