Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Randomize
