Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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