reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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