How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
