I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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