I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
