Is it normal to miss your booty call?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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