Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
